A Sad Lesson Learned

Lauren was discussing life with her counselor. She said, “I’m in a great relationship. I met him right after college, and we’ve been dating for three years. Recently, quite a few of our couple friends have gotten engaged. They’re a couple of years older than I am, but…”

The Counselor interrupted, “May I ask you how old you are and how old he is?”

Lauren replied, “I’m turning twenty-five next month, and he just turned thirty.”

The Counselor questioned, “Has he been married, divorced, or produced any children?”

“Absolutely not”, Lauren replied.

The Counselor asked, “Are you sexually intimate with him?”

“Yes”, said Lauren “I am.”

The Counselor queried, “Have you ever gotten pregnant by him?”

“No”, said Lauren “We’re very good about that. We’re very careful.”

The Counselor replied, “Well, every form of birth control has a failure rate.”

Lauren responded, “Very true.”

“Okay”, said the Counselor. “Tell me your situation.”

Lauren started, “Now, I’m kind of worried. We’ve never actually talked about getting married or anything like that…”

“Well”, said the Counselor, “may I ask you another question?”

“Yes”, said Lauren.

The Counselor inquired, “What is in the mind of a young woman to be sexually open to take a man inside of her body when neither he nor she has any concrete plans for them to have a life together? The purpose of the sex is what? Entertainment?”

Lauren hesitated. “Umm, no”, she responded, “we did wait for a long time before we…”

The Counselor interrupted again, “Lauren, just answer my question. I didn’t ask you how long you waited. I’m asking what is in the mind of a young woman that decides to be sexually intimate with someone with whom she has no future plans? What is the point of the sex? Is it just…recreation?”

Lauren thought. “Umm, you’re right about that” she said. “It’s not the most responsible thing, and it is more…”

The Counselor cut her off. “But I didn’t ask about responsibility”, the counselor responded. “I’m just wondering what is in your mind. Let’s just say that he does not choose to propose marriage to you, which I think is very highly likely, because he’s thirty and he hasn’t asked, but he’s been enjoying the pleasure of your body. From his perspective, there is no point to the sex. You are either entertainment or recreation, but he doesn’t see you as his responsibility.

“So suppose you start to date another guy and you have sex with him, and, you know, it just doesn’t work out and he’s just not the right guy, so you start to date another guy and have sex with him, and so on. How many guys do you plan to do? What is it all going to mean to you? What will be special about sex or about any relationship? So what is your point in having sex?”

Lauren replied, “You have a good point. Do you have any advice about how I should…I mean…”

The Counselor said, “You should stop having sex. Sex should have a point. Sex is one of the most intense ways for two people to come together and express something to one another. Only you’re not expressing anything and neither is he, except that it feels good. I’m not even talking about him per se, but I’m talking about the quality of your life, how you look at your own body as sacred, special, and something that you only share with a man when the sex is meaningful for both of you.

“I think that you have made dating as casual a playing checkers. I recommend that people not date unless that have great clarity that either this is just for fun and chuckles and some occasional companionship, or they are really looking for a commitment, someone that would care about them past an orgasm, someone that lives and dies for them, someone that values them more than life itself. You’re not on that road with this guy.”

Lauren frowned. “So basically, would your advice be to start over with somebody new?”

“Yes”, said the Counselor. “This guy doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he’d be on one knee with a ring, but, frankly, my dear, he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t have you on a pedestal as something to work for and towards. To him, you’ve made yourself just a comfort and a convenience.”

Lauren’s eyes widened. “You have me speechless.”

The Counselor replied, “If I were your age and starting to date, on the first date I would ask, ‘Are you dating to settle down?’’”

Lauren: That’s a great question.

The Counselor continued, “Say to him, ‘I don’t mean that you have to settle down with me, but I need to know whether you dating for the purpose of finding someone with whom to settle down? Or, are you dating just to have something to do?’ And if he said that he was not dating to settle down, I wouldn’t even finish the date.”

Lauren said, “That’s great advice. I really appreciate that.”

The Counselor proceeded, “So you need to stop having sex, and you need to look objectively at men, at relationships and at dating, because I think it’s hard for young women to be objective about men when they have been doing them. Part of you knows that having sex outside of marriage is wrong, but since you don’t want to see yourself as wrong for having sex, you can’t bear to look at anything in the relationship as wrong. So you ignore his bad behavior to justify having sex with him. You deceive yourself that you and he are actually going somewhere so that you can pretend that the sex is meaningful.

“I’m sure that sex with you is fun for him but it not meaningful to him. I’m sure that you are wonderful in bed, but other than your passionate participation in his physical pleasure, he has no plans for you. At his age of thirty, and after going with you for three years, if he had plans for you, you would have heard about them by now.

“For a young woman to make her body instantly availability to a man just because he shows up does not seem very intelligent, dignified or uplifting. I thought the feminist movement was designed to keep women from becoming sex objects. How can you be more of a sex object than you have been? Are you anything to him but a sex object?”

Lauren considered. “I guess I’m not”, she said.

The Counselor resumed, “But, Lauren, he didn’t turn you into a sex object. Men can’t turn women into sex objects in this country, because slavery has been outlawed. The only way for a woman to become a sex object in the United States of America is to volunteer.

“In this country, women run small businesses and are executives in major corporations. Many of the state governors are women, a woman is the Speaker of the House of Representatives, and a woman is the Secretary of State. Women have the right to do whatever they choose to do in this country. So, if you choose to have sex with a man to whom you are not married, your decision is your responsibility, not his. He can ask you, but he can’t make you, unless he forcibly rapes you, and forcible rape is illegal.

“Just remember that if you choose to have sex with a man that has not committed his life to you publicly in a legal wedding ceremony, you are volunteering to be a sex object, and the man has no obligation to you. A man only has an obligation to you after he has had sex with you if he obligated himself to you before he had sex with you. If there is no previous commitment, when he gets up off of you, he can leave you and never look back; he has no moral obligation to you because he has made none. There is no such thing as an informal obligation. Even prostitutes know that, which is why they get paid up front.

“Lauren, start treating yourself with respect. It’s not the man’s responsibility, it’s yours. God didn’t just give us sex organs; God also gave us a context for sex so that our sexual union would be committed and meaningful. The context of the commitment is called marriage, and outside of marriage, a man has no commitment to you.”

“Alright”, said Lauren “I have received the message loudly and clearly. Thank you.”

“Okay”, said the Counselor “Take care of yourself.”

Hebrews 13:4

4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Sexual Sin