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Sex Too Soon – Please Teach Your Daughters

  • January 19th, 2011 by Pastor Darryl Curtis   |  0 Comments

Marilyn came in to see a counselor. She began, “I had a boyfriend two years ago that I can’t get over. He was a jerk and I should hate him, but I just can’t get over him. I just can’t.”

“Well”, the counselor said, “how old are you?”

“Nineteen”, Marilyn replied.

“And”, said the counselor, “how old were you when you had sex with him?”

Marilyn looked shocked for a moment. She opened her mouth, and then she closed it. Finally, she responded, “Well, it was the beginning of my senior year, so I was almost eighteen.”

The counselor said, “So, you were seventeen. Were you a virgin?”

“Yes”, said Marilyn, “but I…..”

And the counselor cut her off. “Marilyn”, the counselor said, “Stop talking. Listen and let me tell you something.

“One of the reasons that I recommend that teenagers not get involved in sex is that the brains of teenage girls produce emotions that girls feel very, very intensely; extremely intensely.

“Some of the most intense emotions come when girls or young women lose their virginity. Girls or young women want to have the emotional assurance that the boy or man to whom they lose their virginity loves them. The fact that the man loves and gives himself for the woman makes their sexual experience meaningful.

“But in your case, this boy did not love you, so your first sexual experience was actually meaningless.

“Now, I know that many girls and young women will tell you that sex is no big deal, but they say that because, being promiscuous, they have allowed themselves to be used often. They have become crass to the point that, for them, sex really IS no big deal.

“The more men with whom a woman has sex, the less able she is to bond with any one particular man, and the more crass she becomes.

“But you haven’t had sex with that many men, and your extremely intense teenaged brain has not yet reached that level of crassness. You still want sex to be something other than physical exercise, but you gave your virginity away like you were just doing a workout routine. And since the boy did not care about you, your first sexual experience was meaningless.

“Now, having given away your virginity pointlessly makes you feel bad, makes you feel used, makes you feel like a discarded tissue. And one of the ways that girls and women cope with those feelings is that they hang on to the romantic notion that they are in love with the boy or man to whom they gave their virginity.

“As long as you are in love with him, there is a chance, in your mind, that something good might happen, even if it is only a fantasy in your own mind and even if you really know that he is not in love with you. Staying in love with a man with whom you have had sex deflects the pain of the fact that you allowed yourself to be used and the sex was pointless.

“That is that which you are doing when you say, ‘I can’t get over him.’

“What you are really saying, although you don’t realize it yet, is, ‘I gave away my virginity for no good reason. I feel used, embarrassed and ashamed, but I can’t get my virginity back.

‘So I say, ‘Oh, I’m still attached’, to keep the relationship going in my mind and in order to avoid the embarrassment and shame of being used.’ ”

The counselor stopped, and looked intently at Marilyn. Marilyn looked down, and then responded, “Yeah…..”

And the counselor continued, “So, this preoccupation with your old boyfriend is how you are dealing with embarrassment, shame and regret. And that’s why women should not have sex until they are married.

“A woman should not have sex until the man has made a public marital commitment to love them, to cherish them, to be there with them to raise a family, and to do all of the other things that make sex meaningful.

“To a man, to ANY man, sex is just recreation until he makes a public, marital commitment to a woman. You were just a pickup game with some guys on the corner. One day, he will commit himself, get married and sign a contract, and she will be the NBA.

“You can have sex as often as you want and treat your body like a toy with which you can attract men, but this experience is teaching you that you are more than just a body. You are also a soul and a spirit, and letting a man sexually violate your body without meaning violates your soul and spirit. The fact that you let him violate you and the fact that you desperately want that violation to mean something is why you are hanging on to him.”

The counselor stopped talking. Marilyn looked up and said, “Right…..”

“However”, the counselor responded, “there is a better way to deal with your situation than hanging on to a relationship that is not there. Rather than hanging on, it is better to repent.

“It is better to say, ‘I’m ashamed and regretful that I gave myself away, but that was yesterday. I am not going to repeat stupid behavior like that.’

“And if you’re willing to have remorse, take responsibility and decide to not repeat that sin, I think you’ll be better off.”

The counselor looked at Marilyn. “Well”, Marilyn responded, “I’m totally willing to say that, but I just……”

And the counselor cut her off. “Marilyn, there is no ‘I just’. If you have remorse, regret and are willing to take responsibility, then just say so to me.”

“Okay”, Marilyn began, “I regret everything he did to me…..”

The counselor stopped Marilyn again. “No, Marilyn, I don’t want you to say it that way.

“You can’t blame that which you did on him. He did not rape you. To try to put the responsibility for that which YOU did on HIM keeps you from repenting, because if he is responsible, only he can repent. You can’t move forward as long as you tie your sin to him.

“So Marilyn, if you really want to repent and avoid repeating this behavior in the future, you have to confess that YOUR decision was YOUR fault, not HIS fault.

“True, he could have spared you embarrassment and shame by stepping up to the plate, but you could have spared yourself embarrassment and shame by not having sex with him until he made a marital commitment to you.

“So, you have to recognize that it was not his responsibility that you chose to have sex with him; YOU made the choice and it’s YOUR responsibility. You’re not embarrassed and ashamed for what he did; you’re embarrassed and ashamed for what YOU did.”

The counselor continued, “So, repeat after me. I’m ashamed of what I did.”

Marilyn repeated, “I’m ashamed of what I did.”

The counselor continued, “I regret what I did.”

Marilyn repeated, “I regret what I did.”

The counselor finished, “And I’m not going to repeat that foolish behavior and hurt myself again.”

Marilyn repeated, “And I’m not going to repeat that foolish behavior and hurt myself again.”

The counselor looked seriously at Marilyn, and then spoke, “Now, Marilyn, I’m going to write that down so that you can remember it. Every time you think about him, repeat: ‘I’m ashamed of what I did. I regret what I did. And I’m not going to repeat that foolish behavior and hurt myself again.’ That is the real point.

“You hide from your embarrassment, shame and regret by obsessing about him. So, you will have to keep reminding yourself, until you get it, that this mistake was YOUR fault. But you can repent of your mistake, get over your embarrassment, shame and regret, and not obsess about it. And the Bible tells us, in 1John 1:9:

9 If we confess our sins, [Jesus] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

“And now you know. You create a problem for yourself when you have an emotionally intense sexual relationship without a commitment, before you are really able to handle it. It damages you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please warn your daughters that to whom they lose their virginity is meaningful. It can either be a wonderful, romantic experience with the man with whom they have babies and spend the rest of their lives in wedded bliss, or the memory of a jerk that they allowed to just get off on them and use them.

Hebrews 13:4

4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Matthew 9:13

13 [Jesus said], But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”

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